Relationships can bring some of the greatest joys and deepest heartaches.
We all want to have a happy and satisfying relationship. And many of them start out that way and then somewhere along the line, something shifts. A negative cycle may develop or distance comes into the relationship. Even if you have great intentions, the relationship can get off track so slowly that you didn’t even realize you derailed.
How can your relationship get back on track? John Gottman has been researching couples for decades and shares his findings in this incredible handy book filled with helpful information and exercises that you can do right then and there with your love and some by yourself. Let me introduce you to this amazing book by John Gottman and Nan Silver: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert
Even happily married couples can have screaming matches – loud arguments don’t necessarily harm a marriage.”
Here are the highlights that I got from the book:
- If you do NOTHING to improve your relationship… your relationship will not improve. That simple. However, if the couple decides to read this book and do the exercises, their relationship will experience benefits.
- Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling only hurt your relationship. Keep the four horsemen out of your relationship.
- Relationships have conflict. Every relationship. Therefore, conflict isn’t necessarily a bad thing. However, are you hearing what is behind the conflict and what are you doing about it?
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The 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work:
- #1 Friendship – no matter how new or old your relationship is, spend time investing in each other and learning about your person.
- #2 Make sure your relationship is overflowing with fondness and admiration. Make sure to be telling your partner what you admire, appreciate, love and respect about them often. Don’t be stingy with the fondness and admiration… give it out generously. Be specific as possible. They are doing nice things all the time, look for those moments and point them out.
- #3 Turn toward each other instead of away. To keep the trust, emotional connection, passion, and a happy sex life, continue to turn towards your partner. Engage in what they are talking to you about. Acknowledge them. Take your partners side, even if you don’t agree (when this is hard to do, side with their emotion, not the content).
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Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.
- #4 Be influenced by your partner. This one is a bit harder for the men according to the research. This does not mean that you say “yes, dear” to everything. It means that you consider your partners feelings and opinions when making a decision. Simple, but hard to do for some. It means taking a moment to listen to their thoughts on the topic instead of saying “no” right off the bat.
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69% of marital conflicts fit in the perpetual problem category – even in happy couples
- #5 Solve the solvable problems. Sure relationships have problems that can be solved right away and others that seem to last the length of the relationship. One way to approach a problem is with a soften startup. This just means watching your tone. I encourage you to utilize the skill of compromise. Once you entered a relationship, you gave up the notion that everything will be your way. A relationship needs to work for both parties to be successful. Process the hard feelings so that they can be let go. This is when you use that famous “I statement”. I feel ___(an emotion)_________________ about ___(specific action or event)____________ I need ___(what is your request)__________.” Leave the “you statements” out of the conversation if you want to get anywhere.
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Soften start ups go a long way. Try it out. See what happens. - #6 Overcome Gridlock. Problems that have stand strong in a relationship with no humor, empathy, or affection when the problem is discussed. It can feel as though there is no way to compromise in the situation. This is when it is important to figure out what is behind the problem. What dream is attached to this argument?
- #7 Create shared meaning. Your relationship benefits from shared goals and a team view. Find a ritual that keeps you and your partner connected and that you can depend of. Something you are certain of and makes your relationship special.
- After all that, it is important to maintain all that work and effort you are putting into your relationship. This is where the Magic 6 Hours comes in. This includes how you leave each other, greet each other, making time to have a date night (even if it is after the kids go to bed and you stay home), affection, appreciation, and making time to talk about your relationship.
This book is easy to read and it is filled with helpful exercises. Though they are only helpful if you do them. There is so much great stuff in this book, I could only touch the tip of the iceberg. I really love this book and I encourage anyone who is interested in enhancing their relationship to own, read, and do the exercises in this book.
If you are looking for some quick tips on how to be more thoughtful to your partner, check out this post.