When you have a fantasy parent it’s because your actual parent isn’t meeting your needs.

And this sucks. No one wants to admit to themselves or anyone else that their parent(s) just aren’t cutting it. Because even if our parents are failing big time, we have a big love for them. Huge. And it never really goes away. No matter what they do emotionally, physically, spiritually, or mentally that damages us. We crave their love. Even when we have decided to put distance between us or if we see each other daily. The hurt is real.

Our parents are the most important people in our life for a long time. We grow up seeking their approval, praise, hugs, high fives, laughter, time, and love. This doesn’t go away when your parent isn’t showing up for you. Sure, you’ll feel mad and hurt and yet, there are times it might feel like you fight for their love and attention even more. It’s as if you can’t quite breathe right or fit into the world the way others do when at home you feel scared, unsure, stressed and this follows you throughout your life. And then as an adult, you’re just moving through life without the comfort of the safe place to fall, encouraging pep talks, or knowing someone has your back no matter what. That they’ll help you up when you fall instead of kicking you while your down.

So it’s as if you’re mourning the parent you have while still finding joy in who they are all at the same time.

Whether you’re a child or a grown adult, your parent plays a special role in your life that no one else can fill. Even with the hurt and disappointment, there are really good times as well. That’s whats so confusing. You know they have that good stuff inside them. They just reserve it or something. And when your mind drifts off wishing they would show up differently in your world, you mourn when they don’t. You mourn their selfishness, their lack of showing up emotionally or physically, the promises they’ve broken throughout the years. And then when you see them show up for others it twists the knife in a heart ripping way.

One of the most natural loves on earth can feel the most depleting and confusing and full of aching.

One of the most natural loves on earth can feel the most depleting and confusing and full of aching. The inconsistency or lack of what you thought a parent would be, stings. And really, their lack of being the parent you need isn’t about you. It’s their pain that they carry with them. I know you see it in their eyes, their voice, in the conversations that stay focused on them. And sadly, even in the way you have taken on the parenting role for them.

You see amazing parental relationships everywhere.

Every channel you turn, every park you visit, every mall you shop, going out to eat, you see them in your friends, just living in this world shows you that these incredible parent/child, no matter the age, relationships do exist outside of Hollywood and dreams. Just not for you.

The grief is real and deep. And it stirs up emotions in you that you never really share with anyone. Because how could anyone else understand the loss of having a parent that doesn’t want to be your parent? That to them, it is fine living in this world not knowing you. Not spending time with you and making memories that last. Not knowing your spouse or your kids or even what makes you laugh. How do you share that and have someone understand and not feel sorry for you or think you can just move on?

Perhaps, like many, when you were little you created this fantasy parent in your mind.

You saw yourselves playing, talking, the memories you’d make, and just being with each other in a certain way. And with each passing year, the fantasy grew and got more details and shifted with you as your life changed. And with each year that passed, the reality of the truth behind the term fantasy parent became more real. And the hurt began to bleed into other parts of your life and other relationships. Until a part of you became numb, or self-medicated, or put up walls so thick and tall that they seem impossible to tear back down.

And a special kind of rage mixed with a salty brand of jealousy swirls inside you when you see someone with an incredible parent take them for granted and don’t fully appreciate the depth of how good they have it. That love flows at home and always have. How can they be missing this? How do they not see it and live in gratitude and join in the building of the relationship that is waiting for them to arrive? And then the utter joy combined with soft envy when they do get it.

You get there are no perfect parents and you also know not every adult child or little kid has a fantasy parent either.

And you’re not looking for a perfect parent. You’re looking for a parent that puts love into action when it comes to you. That shows up when you need them and even when you don’t. You want to feel annoyed by how much they love you, (you’ve heard that’s a thing). And it’s okay to want to be loved. We’re meant for connection, warmth, kindness, and love. Trust that. It’s true. That’s why you want it and grieve when you don’t receive it.

And the hardest truth, you must grieve and release this fantasy parent. Let the fantasy die so you can heal and be present with what is. Cry, feel angry, go on the roller coaster of emotions. Because you must face that who you want your parent to be, may never ever ever be your reality. And that breaks you to the core. And Rumi says, the crack is where the light comes in. And you are made of so much light. Perhaps that’s why you love a little harder because you know what it’s like to not receive. And the idea of someone else struggling with feeling unloved makes it hard to breathe. So you decide to be an oxygen mask, knowing, you must attend to you first and then you assist others to breathe. Remembering one breath at a time keeps you alive.

So embrace the crack. You’re becoming stronger. Emotional strength is a superpower that we don’t find in the Marvel movies. Just know it’s as real as you know it to be true. Because you’ve been through it. And you’re standing. And you’re loving harder than anyone you know. Your kind heart is glowing and touches everyone you meet. Trust that. Let it lead you.

You do the grieving work and realize that your parent is the way they are for a reason.

And it doesn’t have to do with you. They didn’t become shut off when you came into their world. That’s on them. Know that they have a reason for their distance and the way they parent and operate in the world. And it’s because of the stuff they went through before you and after you, but never because of you. Most likely you were the greatest gift they’ve ever received, but they suck at receiving really great gifts.

And you do the work to accept them as they are.

And instead of focusing on what’s lacking, you focus on what is there. What strengths do appear? And you realize you can shape and create your end of the relationship. You can have as much distance or closeness as you need or want to put in. You also have a say in this relationship. You get to choose how and when you show up based off of what you need as well. Because you realize you’re the one that is going to take care of you. Realizing you’ll most likely forever grieve the loss of the fantasy parent because grief is weird like that. It can blindside you. So you must take care of yourself.

You learn to love flawed people even when they don’t know how to love you. Because you know this life is worth living and you live it. And you decide to break the cycle of sucky parental love and you learn to heal the cracks with light and the skills to love deeper and more completely. And you stop cringing when you hear people say, “they did the best they could.” Because you know that there is truth to that even if you don’t understand why they didn’t do work to elevate their best. You’ll do the work.

Finding peace after the anger and you deeply learn your value and how incredibly special and lovable you are. And you begin to show up for yourself. Every. Single. Day.

You treat yourself with love, kindness, compassion, and forgiveness. You treat yourself to the experiences you want to have. You learn the skills you wanted to see in your parents but they couldn’t ever teach you because they didn’t have them and choose not to learn them.

You know what it’s like to receive the shallows of someone and you want the deep. So you go deep. You love you the way you need to be loved and find a partner who will show up for you the way you feel loved and you do the same for them.

You do the work. You break the cycle. Tear down your walls and open your heart.

And grieve your fantasy parent so that you can have space to love deeper, fuller, and truer than you ever thought was possible.

 

Sending so much love your way, Steph

 

 

 

 

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