Hey, Steph. I’m wondering what I can do. Whenever my boyfriend and I have an argument, he gives me the cold shoulder and then I feel crazy trying to talk to him because I end up yelling and saying really mean things. Any advice? Thanks, Brit

Hi, Brit!

Thank you so much for your question. I understand how frustrating that situation can be. And if can feel very confusing and no one likes to feel like they are losing control of themselves.

You’re actually describing a common interaction that happens in many relationships. Gottman (huge relationship researcher) actually describes this as one of his “4 horsemen” that you want to avoid because it’s a behavior that can destroy your relationship, especially when mixed with one or more of the other horsemen. Basically, when someone is giving you the cold shoulder they’re “stonewalling.”

It sounds like your boyfriend is getting overwhelmed in the conversation and isn’t sure how to self-soothe other than shutting down. I’m guessing he doesn’t want to make the situation worse and doesn’t know how to make it better. So even though he knows it’s infuriating to you when he stops engaging, it’s what he knows how to do.

And this, of course, makes you want to try harder to get his attention and for him to rejoin the conversation. This is where you may find yourself escalating, whether it is the intensity or the hurtfulness in the things you are saying or even raising your voice. Feeling even more frustrated when the silence remains. And this, unfortunately, feels a bit “crazy” or that you’re out of control.

The good news, it can be resolved, if you both are willing to work on it and do your individual parts for the betterment of your relationship.

The solution starts with some major self-awareness and stopping the conversation before you guys get to the point of feeling overwhelmed.

• Notice when the conversation isn’t actually productive and it’s escalating emotionally and take a timeout. Have a specific word you save for moments when your conversations start to go downhill.
  • People pick a range of words. Find one that you don’t use on a regular basis so that it is easy to recognize when one of you say it. It can even be silly, such as “unicorn butt”. When one of you is feeling overwhelmed, say your word, and that will signal to both of you to take a timeout. To walk away and agree to come back to the convo in 3o minutes or so.
• Once you’re in your timeout, know that you’ll need to go back to the conversation at the end of this timeout. Honor that.
• This means you need to self-soothe during this timeout. Don’t keep cycling what was increasing your frustration. Instead, calm yourself down. Remember the result you want to happen from this conversation. Disagreements help you understand each other more, they don’t have to break down your relationship.
• Talk to your partner about what it is that you need and how you’re feeling. Stop yourself from blaming or pointing the finger. Own how you feel and what you need instead. Ask for that. Doesn’t mean your partner will do it, but you still need to come out and say what it is you need instead of what you’re currently receiving or not receiving.
• Understand each other first and then look for a solution. What do you both agree on? What are the non-negotiables and what can you be flexible on?

Communication is part of the foundation of your relationship.

And don’t be scared or embarrassed to seek outside help through a therapist or coach to help you guys learn to communicate and self-soothe. These skills aren’t really taught anywhere outside of personal development that you have to seek out yourself from people who have educated themselves on these specific skills.

Think about it this way, if you’re not a mechanic you most likely take your car to someone for tune-ups or to repair things that aren’t working, why wouldn’t you do the same for your relationships?

If you’d like a book to read, I’d highly recommend The 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work. You read my review of it here. Also, check out 5 Toxic Behaviors You Could Be Doing To Sabotage Your Relationship.

Well, that’s my 2 cents.

 

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