We are continuously evolving in this journey called life.

I am going to be brave and share a piece of my journey with you. Be gentle with me as I will be gentle with you.

I do not have a story of addiction. I saw that growing up and knew it wasn’t for me.

This means my rock bottom is different. A story we often don’t hear. So many of us experience it, but don’t talk about it.

My rock bottom was rage and self-imposed isolation.

I wasn’t being abusive towards anyone. Instead, my rage, fueled me to build an invisible wall of isolation around myself. After a lifetime of being hurt and judged by those who were supposed to be my safe place to land, my anger grew and grew. I could feel it boiling inside of me.

At the same time, I only wanted love and friendship from those in my life. I craved compassion and deeply meaningful relationships.

However, I learned that if I could stay angry at someone, replay their injustice in my head over and over, that gave me a safe emotional distance. People only got one chance to rip my heart. And then the wall started to build and I began to see them differently. As unsafe.

The thing is, I didn’t truly realize that this distance also blocked any love I could receive from them. I know that now, but I didn’t then.

My intentions were mismatched.

I had the intention of wanting close and loving relationships and at the same time, I wanted to keep everyone at a distance. I had spent my life being burned emotionally and I’d forgive and get burned again. I was done. Finally. And in my early 30’s, I decided that no one was safe to truly let in 100%.

However, this meant I had to stay mad. Which was a lot of work for me. It was exhausting and started to bleed into every aspect of my life. My cheerful and patient side started to get lost beneath the anger.

I gained weight, I started to shut people out of my life and began to feel confused and alone. I felt as if no one cared if I had shut them out of my life because really, no one cared about me that much anyway. And if they did, they had a funny way of showing it.

And then after years of fueling this anger, this rage,

I woke up in the middle of the night. (not unlike me, sleeping is not my greatest skill). And I started writing in my journal and realized that I was hitting my rock bottom and I needed relief.

I wrote and I cried and I prayed. All the pain I had experienced had to have had a purpose right?! That’s part of the message in Man’s Search for Meaning. Our pain and suffering are not for nothing.

There is a purpose somewhere in that mess. Even if it isn’t clear yet. And I remember when I was in my meditation, focusing on my breath, receiving the message, loud and clear, “be patient.”

The day after I sat pouring my heart out, including several tissues worth of tears,

I started reading Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav and My heart was busted open. And the work began.

But first I had a good cry. As I read these two paragraphs that felt written just for me, it hit me and the tears poured because I knew it was true. My soul was shaken back to reality. Those words were my miracle.

“You may seek companionship and warmth, for example, but if your unconscious intention is to keep people at a distance, the experiences of separation and pain will surface again and again until you come to understand that you, yourself, are creating them.” (Seat of the Soul)

Um, yes! This is what I had been doing!! I did my best to keep my distance from pretty much everyone in my life as a way to protect myself. No wonder I was creating the reality that doesn’t allow for the warmth, connection, and compassion I wanted to be the main part of my world.

I couldn’t have both. So I needed to give up the distance I had been maintaining. Now, this was scary. Super vulnerable. But now it was time to learn to receive the love that is being given to me.

As I said, I was blocking the receiving end. I could give out love easy peasy. And I did. I knew I was a great friend even if I felt I didn’t have one (because I blocked the receiving end.) To me, there wasn’t any risk to giving out love. It felt good. It felt right. It still does. One of my favorite ways to live.

But receiving love was a struggle. I blocked it with anger, annoyance, or convincing myself that it wasn’t for me, perhaps I hadn’t earned it yet.

“Eventually, you will choose to create harmony and love. You will choose to draw to you the highest-frequency currents that each situation has to offer. Eventually, you will come to understand that love heals everything, and love is all there is.” (Seat of the Soul)

I did and continue to know this. I believe it. However, I didn’t allow myself to receive it. To take it in.

I am still on my journey of receiving love and breaking down the walls I have built.

I practice finding the good in others and in situations. I truly believe that everyone has a journey and a story that broke them in some way. Everyone is fighting a battle. We all want to feel loved and that we matter. That there is a purpose to our pain and life.

I say thank you when I get a compliment. Forgiveness is a daily practice. I remember my intention of wanting to receive and give love, warmth, and community with others. To co-create a world of compassion.

I practice what I preach, I write, I share my feelings, I don’t run when it gets uncomfortable, I make sure to find ways to put love into action, I meditate, I am aware of my self-talk, I eat clean most of the time, I connect with nature, I engage in some form of exercise, and I love saying affirmations.

Most days I feel pretty solid, however, every once in a while something will trigger the masonry in me and the wall starts to reverse itself.

Then I breathe, remember the light, and take down the wall again.

“This journey may take many lifetimes, but you will complete it. It is impossible not to complete it. It is not a question of if but of when. Every situation that you create serves this purpose. Every experience that you encounter serves this purpose.” (Seat of the Soul)

I share this story with you, because I know I am not alone.

I know you are fueling the anger thinking it will protect you from being hurt as well.

My sweet soul, we are wrong. The anger burns us and depletes life from us. We can feel anger and then move through it. We must not hang on to it for an extended period of time. Let it come and then release it from our grasp.

If you have also perfected your wall of isolation disguised as protection, let me encourage you to take it down. You haven’t truly lived until you provide yourself with the lifestyle of giving love and receiving love.

Once we realize the effects of our anger, which takes a good amount of self-awareness, we can replace it with compassion.

There will be times we are owed apologies that we will never get. Let go of the anger anyway. Injustices will happen daily. Move through the emotions that come with it, ending the day returning to love.

Allow yourself the intention of receiving and giving love. Take baby steps if you must. Just start the journey.

Love is waiting.

I’m here if you need someone to help you take down that wall. It can be heavy and demanding work. Either way, you’ve got this.

Sending so much love your way, Steph

 

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