Love can come in many forms and always teach us and expand us. 

I’ve had many relationships in my life and I also spent time not dating at all just to get to know me and to understand with every cell of my being that I can be alone and be okay. That I didn’t need to settle for someone who was reckless with my heart just so I didn’t have to spend a Saturday night by myself. 

I had a relationship that was fun and exciting.

The one that let me know that just maybe I am datable. And as it became unhealthy, I stayed because it’s what good girls do. After all, I had a promise ring and I gave him what I promised I’d give my husband one day.

So saddle up buttercup, because any feelings of wanting to leave this relationship didn’t matter. I couldn’t have the church mad at me. What would people say? And what would happen if God was mad at me? I couldn’t survive hell. I decided being the nice girl was the most important thing, even if it meant a silent death while I still lived. 

He called for the first time since he went to college a few months before and told me he wanted to see other people. I made sure that’s what he really wanted. It was. He didn’t want to cheat on me so he broke up with me. I’m thankful for that. 

And when it ended, I cried for a moment and then relief washed over me. I was free. I didn’t have to cycle between love and hate.

Now I know this guy loved me the way he knew how to love. I don’t think he truly knew or understood how hurtful he was. It doesn’t take away the hurt or excuse his behavior, but I don’t carry any anger or mean feelings towards him. We were young.

I didn’t know what love and relationships were supposed to look like, to feel like. And I’m guessing he didn’t either. He didn’t know love was kind. 

And then….

You know the type of relationship that makes you feel alive for the first time?

Like really alive? You have to pinch yourself because this type of love feels so magical. As though you had to have done something really grand in order to deserve a taste of this? That was my next relationship. 

I remember the day I realized he liked me back. Holy banana goats. And my other relationship had just ended. Can you believe the timing? I could hardly stay in my body. I was so excited. 

He invited me over for a movie and when he eventually came to sit next to me, I had to remind myself to breathe. Can he hear my heart beating? It’s all I can hear over the movie. And then he Grabs. My. Hand. To hold it. 

And the fireworks erupt and every butterfly takes off. And I am alive. Like really alive for the first time in my life. My heart started beating differently from that day on.  Love has the power to do that. 

Little did I know at the time, that when love feels this fantastic and grand, the end hurts just as extremely. And I found myself once again reminding myself to breathe. To take steps in order to make it through the day. That I’ll eventually be okay. That hearts can heal, maybe?

They can and they do. And I knew how horrible relationships can feel and how amazingly fantastic they can feel. I decided to use this information moving forward. 

At first, I used the information to never find love that felt that amazing again. Heck to the no. That fall was shattering. I didn’t know how many times a person can heal from that kind of heartbreak. Didn’t want to risk it. 

It’s time for fun. And man did I have fun. And then I met the guy who I knew wasn’t right for me, but he sucked me in like a drug. And I was hooked.

My obsession. 

I had told myself I’d never end up in an abusive relationship. Then how in the world did I have two of them by the time I was 22? I had always thought the gaslighting, controlling, isolating behavior wasn’t that big of a deal compared to others I’d know who ended up in ER’s because of what their partner did to them. So it didn’t matter what they did or said to me because it wasn’t that bad. 

It harmed me though. I didn’t know how to trust myself or what friends to trust. I felt a little crazy. Jealous like I’d never felt. Insecure like in a way I didn’t even know was possible. Judged by others because of the stories he told. And also completely and utterly alone. 

My family doesn’t thrive in the connection department. They wouldn’t have known what to do anyway. My relationship probably looked like a dream to them. But they didn’t know. 

It got so bad one day I jumped out of his truck just to get away from his words. I needed him to just stop talking. Stop shaming me. Stop telling me how wrong I was to be me. It didn’t even occur to me at that moment that I could get hurt. I just needed to survive and have silence for a moment. The bruise that covered my entire right side of my body was well worth that moment of silence. 

The day I knew I had to walk away for real.

The day I received my strength was just a regular day. The sun was shining and we were having lunch at KFC. And he was joyfully telling me a story about this fancy cruise he just finished and how all these drop-dead gorgeous women were pressing their bodies against his. 

The switch turned off. I was done. And I was. 

Years go by and I dated and spent time not dating.

I learned something from every guy I spent time with. Especially the kind, amazing guys I wouldn’t dare give a chance to be anything more than a friend, even if I was curious or liked them back. My heart still wasn’t ready to take that kind of risk. 

I mean I was deeply flawed. Who was going to want to stay around after seeing me?

And then…

My soulmate arrived.

The man I always knew existed because why would I be the way I am if I didn’t have a match? I’m sensitive because I’ll meet someone who doesn’t mind that I am. I didn’t need to change that about myself. (Gaslighters be cray.) 

We met through friends and we never looked back. For the first time in my life, I felt safe. Safe to be me. To be loved. To breathe. To lean into love and take it all in. 

It’s the coolest experience to grow together. To learn from each other. To live this life together. To see each other and let each other be who we are. 

The freedom in this relationship is so empowering. Love is the rhythm of our days. It’s that forgiveness, the risks, the patience, the kindness, the laughter, the friendship, the support that I always knew, way down deep inside, that was possible, if only one day, I’d take the risk. I took the risk.

And it was for me. Flawed, flawed me.

It’s for you too.

XOXO, Steph