Episode 183: Happy Father’s Day

Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there.

And a special shout out to all you single dads showing up like rockstars (in a good way… not the drunk and high and never on time way)… okay maybe not rockstars. How about showing up like the best dad ever.

Like most people, my dad holds a special place in my heart. He is who I practiced being really honest with, who I had hard conversations with, he taught me that life is meant to be enjoyed. and to accept yourself. I super appreciate that type of relationship.

After my parents got a divorce, I eventually moved in with my dad. In my opinion, single dads don’t get enough attention or credit. He didn’t receive child support or any other form of assistance. And I worked to help pay for myself to do things, including sports, vet bills for my dog (that my dad surprised me with one year for my birthday after I had been begging for one for years), and even some medical visits.

We had a great time. He spent so much time with me. Eating dinner together, playing games with me and my friends. He was really involved. Moving away to college was hard to say goodbye. He cried but hid it from me. But I knew. I cried too. It was a big change, but an exciting one.

He has only met my son one time for one day. I realized a couple of years ago, I’ve been gone from home longer than I lived there. My dad and I don’t see each other often, we text here and there, and talk on the phone every once in a while. Though I know he loves me and he loves me the best he can.

Some of the best advice I ever received, I got from my dad when I was in middle school.

He told me that I had to express my anger. That I couldn’t hold it all inside. If I do try to hold it all inside, I would explode and burn everyone around me, like a little volcano.

This stuck with me. I didn’t really resemble the volcano, but I was definitely working through anxiety. It would still take me 10 years before I fully realized and accepted that I could give myself permission to feel angry.

Before I really let that set in and understand that anger didn’t make me bad or mean, it just made me human.

Apparently, I was on a mission to not be human. I thought I needed to be perfect and perfect people didn’t feel anger. Anger was the enemy. Anger made me like the cruel people in the world, so I feared feeling angry.

This fear of my own anger and other people’s anger made me a doormat. I was the queen of people pleasers and it was crushing my soul. I guess my dad could see this in me and didn’t want that for my life.

I did attempt to tell people when my feelings were hurt. This didn’t go well. Instead of being met with compassion, I was met with people calling me a baby, telling me I was too sensitive, and that I was the only one in the world who would be hurt by that action or statement.

I guess their parents didn’t talk to them about the importance of expressing emotions and hearing others. At the time, I believed them and I started to question my own feelings.

My dad always told me not to worry about them. That I was made of something else that they weren’t and it was good to be different. He knew I’d make it in life because of who I was, sensitive and all.

This father’s day, it made me think about you and how your dad has shown up in your life. The bad advice he has given you and the really good stuff you carry with you.

Or if you even know who your dad is or how involved in your life they are. Do you feel loved by him? Or has his lack of love and attention influenced the value you see in yourself today?

If your dad has passed, do you still feel him around you, encouraging you, or whispering in your ear all the pride he has in his soul because of you?

Some dads are terrible dads. Let’s face it. They are really really bad at being a dad. And that’s not on you. That’s on them. They are missing one of the most incredible opportunities of their life by not stepping fully into that role.

It’s true they are doing the best they can, though don’t confuse that with they are reaching their full potential, and that’s what can be infuriating. Because we know they could do more, yet here they are, scooting by, missing the best stuff life has to offer.

Other dads provide the material for those really sappy movies that make you cry and ache a little inside that your dad was like that. That’s the kind of dad Keoni is to our son. Man, Makaio won the jackpot when he got Keoni as his dad. It’s incredible too. I get choked up inside thinking about how amazing he is and I’m so filled with joy that he gets to influence other dads to step up just by being who he is.

Keoni does his best to be a five-star dad. I hope if you’re a dad, that you also take on that goal. It will change your life and the life of your child, no matter what age they are. Get involved in their life. Be interested in them. You don’t get to have this experience again and nothing else can compare to it. No other eyes will look at you with the same kind of admiration, hope, forgiveness as the eyes of your child.

This goes for step-dads as well. You don’t get a free pass because you are an important figure to that child, again, regardless of their age.

Fathers-in-law can hold a special place in life as well if they choose to step into that role with love and curiosity. Another incredible relationship missed when approaching that role as if it doesn’t matter.

My point is, dads, don’t sell yourself short. You matter. So much more than your paycheck. Your presence matters. Your laugh matters. Your dad jokes matter. Your advice matters. Your questions matter. Your interest matters. Sharing your life views and experiences matter. Your time is priceless. You matter.

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Sending so much love to you, Steph

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