Conflict can really feel sucky. You might feel frustrated, overwhelmed, scared, angry, sad, stuck, no idea what to do, or utterly defeated.  However, conflict helps us learn about each other. So in a sense conflict is really helpful. It’s how we deal with conflict that is going to hurt or help our relationships.

Every marriage has conflict and most of the problems will never be permanently solved. And that is because those problems center around a core belief or value. These are the problems that will show up over and over throughout the relationship.

Take a minute and think about what you argue over. How often is it the same thing? Gottman says 69% of conflict is perpetual. However, a couple can learn how to talk about the issue and find temporary solutions to the problem.

And then there are problems that can be solved and most likely won’t show up again.

So let’s talk about some steps you can do when conflict comes into your life. They work amazing for a married couple. However, you can use these steps in almost any relationship. Therefore, experiment with how you can use them outside of your marriage as well.

5 Steps to Resolving Conflict

Start the conversation gently

How you bring up the topic will set the path to how the discussion ends. Start by gently telling your partner how YOU feel (I feel sad when…. or I feel loved when….). Then explain when you feel that way being specific. Next, tell them what you NEED from them.

Example: I feel scared when you drive above the speed limit on dirt roads. When I am driving with you, I need you to drive the speed limit. Is this something you can agree to?

If you are feeling overwhelmed, take a break

If the conversation starts to go negative and one of you begins to feel overwhelmed. TAKE A BREAK. Leave the conversation for 20 minutes or so. While you are on your break do something that is self-soothing. This can include taking a walk, do a breathing exercise, reading, or listening to some music. This is not the time to focus in on your anger to rile yourself up more.

After your break, you both come back to the discussion and try again. Keep in mind that you take a break if either one of you needs one. It is important to respect the break request. And to come back to continue the discussion.

Separate what you can be flexible on and what you cannot give in on

Get out a piece of paper and write down what you 100% CANNOT give in on. And then write down what areas you CAN BE flexible on.

You are not ready to try to solve the problem yet. First, you must focus on understanding each other’s views. Ask questions about the importance of the areas that cannot be given in on. Maybe split up some time in order to agree both will get to be heard.

You may decide to use 20 minutes total, allowing each person 10 minutes to discuss their view. The speaker will share their view. The listener will listen and ask questions to deepen their understanding of the speaker’s view. And then switch roles after 10 minutes.

Do you have anything you can agree on?

Find the areas you agree on. Do you have a common goal or similar feelings about something?

Compromise

Now it is time to compromise or find a temporary solution for the problem. Keep in mind the needs and dreams of both people when coming up with a compromise. A compromise is a ways of saying “I hear you” instead of saying “I am giving up what I want.”

If a compromise is hard to find, you might need to go back to the discussion and asking questions to deepen your understanding of each other’s views.

 

There you have it. Conflict is something that you can learn to work through in a way that benefits your relationship. Practice these skills until they are a natural part of how you resolve conflict. Look for improvements, not perfection.

 

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