Boundaries are your friend.

We use boundaries to help us teach others how to treat us. They are a great exercise in self-awareness and owning our feelings and needs.

They will feel uncomfortable at first, but that is no reason to not use them. Use them and grow and strengthen your relationships.

Don’t expect others to be excited about you setting boundaries with them. It feels uncomfortable for them as well. Just know that you can do it in a way that is gentle and not harsh.

Rules to follow when setting boundaries:

• Stay away from using always and never. This will only invite the person to find every or the only time they can prove that statement wrong. And they will not listen to one more word you have to say because they are using all of their energy and focus to remember when they know what you are saying isn’t true.
• Only set boundaries that you are willing to follow. You can’t say, “if you do ____________ again, I will leave.” And then not leave when they do ____________ again.  No need to go extreme, unless the situation actually calls for that.
• Have a gentle startup. Stay away from “you statements” and use “I statements.” How you begin the conversation will predict how the conversation goes. You statements only invite in defensiveness. And that is not going to be productive.
  • I statements look like:
    • I feel ____________ (emotion), when you ___________ (specific behavior) because ________________ (optional to use). In the future I need you to ____________________________ (what do you need them to do differently). Is this something you can agree to?

Now, when you go to set a boundary, 9 times out of 10 the person will start to argue with you defending their part. DO NOT give into the argument. Stay focused on what you need to say. Write it down ahead of time if need be. And when they are done saying their piece, just pick up where you left off.

After the first time setting a boundary, they get less scary and you become more empowered.

This leads me to think about the book, Start With Why by Simon Sinek.

I thought this was a great book. Easy to read, lots of stories. And he really makes it clear on why knowing your why and making sure your decisions match it is critical to your success journey.

To me, this is figuring out why you do what you do in life or business. What inspires you? And then making sure all of your decisions support your why.

What I didn’t like about the book was that it doesn’t tell you how to figure out your why. However, when I went to get the link to this book, I noticed another one.

Apparently, he has another book called, Find Your Why by Simon Sinek. I suppose that is worth looking into. I might even suggest starting with that book and then read Start With Why.

I think I found my why when I read his statement that “they must have a vision of the world that does not exist.” When I read that, I think my vision of the world that does not exist is one that is free from violence, hate, and cruelty. Therefore, my why is

to spread as much love and kindness as I can and teach people the tools to love themselves enough to do the same. I know I cannot do it alone. I need all the love warriors I can find.

Maybe I will refine it after reading Find Your Why. But for now, that resonates. Therefore, my decisions must match that. And when needed, I will have to set boundaries, including with myself in order to honor my why.

 

Do you have any additional tips on setting boundaries or thoughts on Start With Why by Simon Sinek? If so, please share in the comments.

 

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Have a gorgeous day! Hugs, Steph

 

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