How did you meet your significant other? A favorite question of many when one couple chats with another. Not even realizing, the answer can shine a light on the health of the relationship. It’s more about how this question is answered than the activity that lead them to cross paths.
The Story
Most couples answer this question in one of two ways.
- All gushy and lovey dovey. Looking at each other while sharing, smiling, feeling giddy thinking about it. Or…
- Ya know.. we met. They paint the story to sound as exciting as an okay sandwich they ate at lunch.
So how does this have anything to do with the health of the relationship? How you share the beginning of your relationship reflects on what lens you are using to see your relationship today.
Choice of Lens
- The loving & affectionate lens. Can see the kind things that are happening. Can easily find things you admire about your love. Have conflict yet maintain affection in their relationship.
- The annoyed lens. Almost everything your partner does is annoying. The hurts stack on top of each other. It might feel like an impossible task to find admirable traits in your partner. Affection feels as tempting as a punch to the face. Hard to know if any kindness is really happening. Have conflict and invites in distance and possible numbness. When this lens is on, it can be hard to remember that at one point, you shared your story the same as the other gushy love birds.
What lens are you using? Be honest… your relationship is depending on you.
Lens choice has the power of the picture that you paint of your relationship. What stories are you telling yourself and others? Are you able to find the good, the affection, the special? Can you see what you can appreciate in every day? Or is it the opposite? The stories you tell will be the stories you continue to live. You can’t see the rainbow if you keep your eyes on the storm… even if the storm has passed. You have to stop looking for the storms and start looking for the rainbows.
If you are set on wearing the annoyed lens, you can be sure your relationship will remain less than satisfying. Wanting more will come naturally. Providing affection sounds painful and will remain so. Is that what you were really hoping to create when you decided to be in this relationship? I didn’t think so.
Change Your Story… You Can Do That At Any Time
If you find yourself wearing the annoyed lens… change your story. You can rewrite your story at any moment you want. Look for the good stuff. It’s there. Focus on the good things. Change the intention you are putting on their behavior. Talk about the good stuff to your friends and family. Celebrate the great things. Tell your love about the things that bring you joy, especially the things they do. Let them know you NOTICE them and ANY efforts they are displaying.
Maybe you change your story to being who you always thought you would be in a relationship. Fill your partner up. Love them like they have never been loved before. Love them hard. And then watch how this magically changes your relationship. You will exchanged lenses… and your relationship will be grateful for it. Heck, your own mind, body, and soul will be thankful for the shift.