Steph, Any resources you have or know of about single people with intimacy issues?
First of all, thank you for reaching out. Intimacy issues are tough and very common. A lot of people will benefit from your question. Your bravery is impactful.
Though the answer to this really depends on the root of those intimacy issues, I’d say there are a few places you can start.
Second of all, let’s look at some signs of intimacy issues
- When emotions come up in a relationship (or in general), you shut down
- You aren’t showing up for your partner (or yourself) when they need you
- Your relationships don’t last long and look the same
- Committing to a relationship scares you
- You stop wanting to have physical intimacy after you start to know your partner more
1. The obvious resources would be to work with a therapist, professional hypnotist, or life coach to work with you through this issue.
When it comes to a therapist, you should know I really recommend Marriage and Family Therapists because they work with the lens of the entire system and that’s powerful.
2. Sometimes we want to start at home and see if we can work through some of this stuff on our own. Books can be an awesome resource.
I’d recommend starting with: Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel and the Self Love Workbook by Shainna Ali, PhD.
3. Plus, I’d encourage you to sit down with a journal and answer some of these questions while you’re waiting for your first session or book to arrive.
- What does trust mean to you?
- What does trust look like?
- Teach me how to not to trust someone. Write down everything you do to keep your wall up and others out.
- Are you ready to let go of intimacy issues?
- Who do you trust the most in your life? Write the story of how that came to be.
- How much do you trust yourself?
- When do you doubt yourself and others the most?
- When do you know that you trust someone?
- What has to happen for you to start to doubt someone?
- What has to happen to replace trust with doubt?
- What statements do you say to yourself when something happens and you begin to have fear or suspicion of someone?
- How much trust do you need in a relationship to feel safe? Think of a scale 0 to 10. 10 being 100% and 0 is 0%. What brings your number up on that scale and what brings your number down on that scale?
- Is it possible to be in a relationship and still have some independence for both people?
- What are the benefits of an intimate relationship? Why is this something you want in your life?
- What are the risks of an intimate relationship?
- What can you do to prevent the risks?
- When do you question if you’re good enough for someone?
- When do you know you’re good enough and lovable?
- When you’re in a relationship, when do you feel significant and have certainty?
4. Pay attention to your own inner dialogue and if it is helping you to create a picture of mistrust of someone because you’re scared of feeling the pain and loss of being broken up with or because you’re actually seeing red flags that the relationship isn’t for you.
5. I’d also highly encourage you to make a list of all the experiences that scare you when you think of doing them alone. Whether it’s going out to eat or going to the movies by yourself. And then start doing them. One by one.
I did this myself when I was in my early 20s and it changed my life for the better. It freed me in a way I didn’t know was holding me back.
You’ll begin to strengthen the trust in yourself.
6. And make a list of the people who have stayed in your life for a long time that you feel really good about. Write down the bumps in the road that you’ve overcome with them.
And write down the awesome times that strengthened the trust and ability to be vulnerable with them. Explore how trust grew in those relationships.
7. It’s really important to also explore your expectations of a relationship. Thinking the person will never hurt you, especially if they loved you, would be setting yourself up for excruciating heartbreak. No matter who you love or are involved with, they will hurt you at some point.
Sometimes it will be little hurts and other times it will be like a blast to the heart. This will sting and suck beyond measure. And it’s not because they don’t care about it, it’s because you’re with another human going through their own struggles, goals, triumphs, and journey in this life.
Some of that journey will be completed as a team and some of it is self-discovery on their own.
8. This is why it is so important to know yourself well enough to share what builds you up and what tears you down. And you find out the same about your partner. You build a strong friendship and strong emotional bank account.
You learn the relationship skills you need to know in order to make your relationships flourish. You do the work so that you can have what scares you.
9. Learn to set boundaries, that vulnerability is magic, use “I Statements“, and you can get through any hurt. Fearing feelings is only holding you back. You know you’re alive when your feeling.
10. Be gentle with yourself along the way. Growing hurts. It’s uncomfortable more than it feels awesome. However, once you’re through that growth spurt, your life has changed. And you’re closer to being the person you want to be. Who you were meant to be.
Remember, you can do this. You can do hard things. Pushing through or leaning into the pain is your specialty. Do your part.
I’m cheering for you. Whenever doubt comes in, hear me saying to you, (and eventually change out my voice for your own) “You’re enough. You’ve got this. You can do this. One day at a time. It will get easier. I believe in you 1000%”
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Sending so much love to you, Steph
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PPS. Whether you use any of this or not, it is totally fine. I support your choice to grow in a way that you feel pulled towards.
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